I love you no you don’t

I fall asleep right after I say that to her. I sleep a sleep of complete sleep. I wake up at 2:30 the
next day and it’s snowing outside, I love it. I can rebuild my strength and overcome this
hangover well when it’s snowing. I live overseeing the whole valley into the mountains beyond
and only really feel comfortable when it’s storming. Snowed in I could hardly see across the
street where I can usually see for miles and miles beyond. I wake up and the plan is to finish my
remaining adderall and do my homework I put off til the last minute. I am stressed, anxious, but
4pm comes I sniff a line and I’m feeling okay once I start making some progress on my work.
It’s my last day alone in the house before Maximus gets back from his trip to Montana. I enjoy it
the best I can. I clean up all around to make sure I don’t get any grief from Max. He’s very strict
about a clean house you know. Time rolls on by and I make plans for her to come over at eight.
Speed cleaning dishes showering, putting things in order making my bed she doesn’t come over
til ten. I’m feeling pretty funny to the point of almost not wanting to see her, knowing my vibe is
strange, but I know I must see her and we have to talk. She told me she loved me, what does she
mean? I love her yes but I love her the way I love all my bestfriends that I can be my truest self
around. She told me she wants to be my girlfriend, what does she mean? I have been in love
before and the love we have is different, at least my love is different. It doesn’t seem real, it
doesn’t seem like she means it. She picks me up a ----- I asked for a while ago and I’m so glad
she was able to get it. I finish cleaning up and it’s 10pm by the time she rolls through. It’s great
to see her, she looks so pretty and clean. I hug her and she kisses me and it's so good to touch her
again. I feel confused with the backdrop of this whole she loves me dynamic but we ignore it for
a while. She helps me with some homework and we do a line, trying to get that done as fast as
possible to get to hanging out. It’s been over a month since I’ve seen her last, and I’ve thought
about her a lot. I do like her a lot, I have feelings for her, but I am not in love with her. I am into
other girls, I know we don’t have what I’m looking for. We are on my floor kissing and my mind
is somewhere distant even though I’m trying to be in the moment and I feel bad. She pulls away
and tells me she loves me, clear disconnect, I say “I don’t think you do” sympathetically “What
do you mean you love me?” She tells me she loves me again and I’m confused. How can she
love me if I don’t love her, is one sided love even true? That’s where I have problems. I feel that
feelings are genuine when they are mutual. You can have a crush, yes, you can love from afar,
yes, but that crush is built on an imaginary dream of what could be. Me and her know each
other, and I know our feeling together isn’t love but something else, something different. I feel
good when I’m with her, safe, happy, she brings out the bubbly side of me that can say things
right off the top of my head without worry and she reacts to this so positively. We have great sex,
I almost told her I loved her the very first time we had sex, we see each other, we look into
eachothers eyes and we see each other. With her I learned how to make love, we make love when
we do, often, it's fun and silly but awesome and concentrated. With other girls in the past I
always feel my mind tends to drift somewhere and I’m worried. Me and my first girlfriend who I
did love, we did not really make love, we were learning how to have sex, but very few times out
of the hundred that we had sex was it love making. I’m not sure why, her insecurities? My
insecurities? So yes we can make love me and her. And we can also hang out, I love hanging
out with her, but to be fair we’ve only ever hung when we are off a substance, except one or two
times out of the total maybe eight. That’s part of the reason I can’t love her, we haven't had any
adventures together. We met organic as hell and I love that, but I can’t do it. She has -----
problems and trauma and isn’t very happy and both my girlfriends are similar to that. I need
something different. She doesn’t inspire me in the way I think I need to be, I feel inspired after
hanging out with her but it’s because of my distanced view of it all. She works, and drinks, goes
out and does ----- all night most weekends. She is from Utah. She is about 4 years older than me,
which is younger than most of my best friends here and girls I get with, but it just doesn’t work. I
don’t know what to say to her as we look each other in the eyes but doesn’t she feel the
disconnect? I don’t want you to love me I want you to feel the same as I do. I don’t want to
hurt you. She is sad, her eyes are sad, it’s awful to see. “We need to talk about this and be
completely honest, that’s the only way for this to be okay” She agrees, yes, but she is sad.